A mum of 2 trying to stay sane in an overly airbrushed world.

Monday, 16 January 2017

The NEW Plan

This year I'm not making resolutions. I'm just going to be kinder to me. I'll still be chasing my weight loss goals, but that is not going to be what defines whether I have a good year or not.  

I'm at a point now with my postnatal depression (PND) that I can offer some insights into how things get better! 
I have been on anti-depressants for 3 months and had about 12 sessions of counselling. It took a few weeks to feel any difference, but the change I feel now is amazing. 
My main symptom was numbness - like I was switched off and everything else was more important than me. In my previous post I described how I never felt like I 'had' depression because I had nothing to be depressed about. The last few weeks I have realised you don't necessarily need something to be depressed about. I was just living in a heavy fog, a state which caused unconscious day to day survival. I knew I wasn't myself, but there was so much going on that it just got brushed under the carpet, to be dealt with another day. Part of me even wondered if it was ever possible to get it back - that maybe it had gone forever and it wasn't even worth trying. Why bother? I should just try and make the best of who I was.  

I've thought of 3 examples to illustrate the changes I now feel:

Before treatment: I couldn't remember how I had felt on my wedding day. I knew I had loved it, but I couldn't revisit the emotion at all. This made me feel useless, sad and as though I had no idea why I had got married at all. 

After/ongoing treatment: I can remember vividly all the different emotions I felt on that day and now have that desperate need to do it all again. I can relate to my husband again, I no longer wonder what made me want to marry him, the smudged connection is now clear again.  

Before treatment: Despite owning thousands of songs, I had no care to listen to them or even think about making time to play music.

After/ongoing treatment: I massively missed music and listening to songs. I now have loads of time or space in my day for it - I even pick it in favour of watching TV. 

Before treatment: I had lost all urge to buy myself clothes, not that I didn't deserve them - I just hated having to make the decisions. Deal with things not looking how I wished they did or just having to trawl through finding things that looked good. For someone who used to be known for their ASOS addiction - I barely visited the website. 

After/ongoing treatment: I have much more interest in having things, I want to treat myself to things I enjoy and miss having the disposable income I used to have for buying clothes etc (probably not such a bad thing).

I urge anyone that feels any sort of connection to anything I've written to address it. It's scary, it's hard to put into words to a doctor - you will feel like a prize knob moaning about not being right, but trust your instinct. You deserve to feel happy again!

I've now set a list of goals, things I enjoyed and did regularly before having the kids. Now I want to make sure I am getting the 'me' time I enjoy and that makes me feel good and not just sit on my arse counting down the minutes to bedtime!

In 2017 I will utilise my 'free' time by: 
  • Reading more (at least 3 books) 
  • Painting my nails
  • Enjoying good scented candles
  • Keeping this blog going

Join me in being kind to you. What would be on your list?


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