A mum of 2 trying to stay sane in an overly airbrushed world.

Tuesday, 18 April 2017

Hardcore Sexit

I didn't mean to vote out.

Can't even remember doing it.

If I could find a way to take it back and rejoin the sexual union I was once part of I would!

I wish I could remember when it happened; the moment I was switched off and I lost all desire to do 'IT' anymore. I definitely wanted to do it the day I conceived my first child, so at least that is somewhere to start...

Since that day four years ago I have had two children (a 3 year old and a 10 month old), been diagnosed with Post Natal Depression (PND) and then dealt with everything else that life has thrown at me.

SEX really has been the last thing on my mind.

Well, it was until I realised it was a problem. Listening to others talk excitedly about all the great sex they were having and then the awkward almost constant knock backs I am serving my husband led to a never ending load of questions:

Is it me?

Is it my husband?

Is it the kids?

Am I in the wrong marriage?

Am I too tired?

Am I abnormal?

Have I just lost it?

The answer to all of those questions is NO! I can say that so confidently because even if you offered me the most romantic, passionate night of selfish pleasure with the man of my dreams I would still rather do other things - like sit and watch some good telly or have a really nice dinner; sex would be the last choice, I just have no interest.

I have sought help, I have discussed this with my GP, Health Visitor, in peer counselling and to my friends. Everyone seems to think it can be easily fixed with a few nights away and trying some 'new' things...been there, done that, still not wearing an 'I ❤ Sex' t-shirt. The only distance I have gained towards an answer is finding some like-minded mothers with PND who also feel like me but were just too scared to admit it.

A female Viagra would be good...and I know the more you have it, the more you want it. That is all well and good if you have a solid week without your kids to try and get back into the groove...but I don't have that luxury and in a world full of sex it seems totally alien and isolating to actually be admitting that I just don't know what to do from here. I know its not just me, I know its related to parenting and having the what can I do to help?!

I care enough to write this, I care enough to admit it to groups of people who really don't care to know my vag is as dry as Gandhi's flip flop and most of all I care and worry about the damage this affliction will do to my marriage. I know it bothers my husband - so how long before he tires of trying and just goes elsewhere? I'd really like to be able to want to have sex with him again, to not dread his advances and fear pushing him away even more.

I'm sorry I have no answers...I just thought this needed saying and I hope it rings true with someone else!
Anyone else out there? Or is it just me? 😖

Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Note to self...

If you could have a super power, which would you choose? 

Psychic abilities, invisibility, x-ray vision, super strength? 

I'd love the power of instant hindsight. To not make really stupid decisions, waste time or money on things like:
  • Spending £50+ a month on a mobile phone bill in my early 20's.
  • Eating takeaways everyday for the first few months of uni. 
  • Being 'friends' with people I knew I didn't like.
  • Not putting into my pension until I was 25.
  • Having a full on fringe cut into my thin, shapeless hair and then pairing it with hooped earrings.
Instant hindsight would make me rich beyond my wildest dreams, a better person and have a few less grey hairs. Wouldn't it?!

Sounds great in theory, but would I really have listened to someone telling me to be sensible, even boring at times? The simple answer to that is NO! I'd of told myself to chill out and to let me enjoy being young! The truth is that I've hit that 'age' where I realise my mother was trying to do that for me...😳
All those times I was told to save money, take my make up off, eat properly and go to my lectures at uni - that was my instant hindsight...trying to steer me in the right direction. I'll admit now my mother obviously had a point, but at the time I really liked the naive bubble I was living in. 

Let's take the man I aspired to marry as an example:
18 year old me...

Marriage material - 18 year old me:
1. Rich
2. Older than me
3. Tall
4. Fun
5. Spontaneous
6. Formula one driver
7. Decisive

Marriage material - 30 something me:
1. Has a job he enjoys so not too grumpy
2. Taller than me
3. Fun
4. Supportive
5. Hands on father
6. Handy with practical tasks (DIY, mechanics, gardening etc)
7. Replaces toilet roll when needed

Quite a contrast; 18 year old me was shallow, unaware and totally clueless to what actually mattered in 'real life'. 

In hindsight, instant hindsight probably wouldn't be that great. Without all the poor decisions, bad haircuts and wastes of money I could still be living a very naive life.

If I'm destined (or already heading) to being my mother then I may as well wish for a better super power...definitely going to go for the ability to teleport - that way I never have to undertake a long car or plane journey with my kids EVER again. That's much more valuable!
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