A mum of 2 trying to stay sane in an overly airbrushed world.

Monday, 6 August 2018

The Chemo Diaries: Part 1

Its taken almost a year for me to face typing these up, not because I was scared, scarred or traumatised - I just didn't want to keep reliving it. Once your in your chemo cycles you live for the days when chemo isn't the first and last thing you think about, you just want to get as far away from it as possible - for as long as possible.

I had every intention of writing this diary for all 6 of my chemo cycles, but by cycle 3 I barely wanted to talk about it - let along write about it.

Here's what I did get, as I wrote it and unedited...I hope it can do something to provide answers, hope and tackle any curiosities you may have about chemotherapy.

Cycle 1 - FEC-T Chemotherapy: 22nd August 2017

"The best motto for a long march is "Don't grumble. Plug on" You hold your future in your own hands." - Sir Frederick Treves

Waiting I hope is a hell of a lot worse than any of the treatments i'm about to start; pain I can handle! I know nothing can rival childbirth, the loss of hair I feel more accustomed to now I have my wig and enough headgear to keep the 'scarf stage' interesting...the pure vanity within me is still worried about the weight gain - silly really when the other option is death! Lets hope cancer is my time for the weight to just fall off, other times this has been possible but never materialised were:
  • the transition from student to full time work
  • being a mother 
The pounds were meant to just drop off on both occasions...NOPE! My greed and dietary choices laughed in the face of both.

As I wait to be hooked up its like waiting to be both killed and cured, don't really want to do it but I have to. Just trying to balance the thoughts with things I hate doing normally; would I want to do them now?

Poos on the potty? NO

Pottery painting with Henry? NO

Taking Henry for injections? NO

Delivering a presentation at work? NO

Chemo wins - dramatic as it sounds, I would rather do; much easier to just handle my own emotions and expectations!

Having the treatment is painless - having the cannula inserted in the hand is never going to be nice but its done well by nurses who could do it blindfolded. I'm having FEC-T so this round consisted of a few infusions of pink liquid and 1 of clear liquid. The only thing I felt from any of this was in the final infusion of a clear liquid - a sensation like when you jump in a pool and you inhale water up your nose; I got that all over my face. 90 minutes it took in total and not a second of it dragged.

Post treatment I feel woozy, but not too dissimilar to how you feel if you have a few early drinks without eating.

1 down - I CAN DO THIS!

To be continued...

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose." - Dr. Seuss


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